


These Reasons

by charizon



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Love Confessions, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charizon/pseuds/charizon
Summary: It’s been three months, seven days, nine hours, and Jongin has just told the boy he loves that he loves him.





	These Reasons

It’s been three months, seven days, nine hours, and Jongin has just told the boy he loves that he loves him.

There is silence on the other end, only the quiet purr of the engine against the lull of country music playing in the background. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel slowly, softly, as if his heart isn’t about to burst out of his chest.

“Why?” comes the eventual reply.

“Just because,” is his response.

“That’s hardly a response.”

“Well, I just… do,” he says back, watches as the road stretches out before him.

Maybe he says it because it feels impossible to squeeze the enormity of something so abstract into words, that he doesn’t feel eloquent enough to describe just how much Kim Jongin loving Lee Taemin feels as easy as breathing, as natural as waking up next to Taemin in the morning or falling asleep to his soft breaths at night. That every part of Jongin aches and is soothed in the same breath whenever he sees Taemin. And that when he says he loves Lee Taemin, it’s by sheer fact that it’s because Taemin’s Taemin and he’s Jongin.

So he pretends he doesn’t feel Taemin’s eyes on him, tries to act the picture of calm as he idly adjusts the rearview mirror, but his heart is frantic and he feels his hands trembling. He hopes Taemin doesn’t see.

“Idiot,” Taemin says. “You’re an idiot.”

And maybe that’s what he is for falling for his best friend. For the lingering looks and touches, for the hesitant embraces and the shy hands because he always wants more. Because he can never seem to get his fill. Jongin is in love with his best friend and he’s an idiot for not seeing it coming from the very beginning.

“Is that something you should be saying to someone who’s driving this car?” he says instead, an eyebrow quirked.

Taemin snorts and then there’s silence. Jongin turns to see Taemin look out the window and he hates that he can’t see his expression. So he turns back and simply watches as the vast expanse of trees and mountains pass them by. It’s tranquil, it’s hypnotising.

“That’s not a legitimate reason,” Taemin finally says and the silence is interrupted. He says it as if he’s muttering it to himself. It’s not a rejection, but it’s not an acceptance either and although Jongin wasn’t expecting a response, it doesn’t stop his stomach from twisting in disappointment.

But, then, he hears Taemin again. Softly this time. “Tell me again when you have a better reason.”

Jongin hates to hope. But it blooms in his chest.

 

 

 

The idea starts because they were once freshmen with lofty aspirations of freedom, buried beneath weeks of readings, assignments, and revisions.

“Let’s go on a trip when we finally graduate,” Taemin suggests, and then sighs when the paper plane he throws lands on the floor. He was probably aiming it at Jongin, hoping to give him crippling pain.

Jongin grabs the plane and unfolds it to see an unflattering doodle of him only to hear Taemin snickering quietly in the background. “Who says I wanna go anywhere with you?” he retorts.

“Then why do you keeping following me?”

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who’s stalking me.”

“Fine,” Taemin huffs. “I’ll just go alone.” And he pouts. And he stares. And Jongin feels the dissatisfaction directed towards him in waves and he tries not to let a smug grin show.

“Fine,” he sighs, “I’m the one stalking you.” He crumples up the doodle and tosses it back to Taemin with a roll of his eyes and pretends the idea of travelling with his best friend doesn’t bring a smile to his face.

Taemin grins, bright and excited despite that, and it’s starting to feel like Jongin would do anything for him. Jongin sighs, he’s resigned, and Taemin’s grin only grows.

“Go away.”

“I love you!”

 

 

 

_“I love you.”_

_“I’m in love with you.”_

The words haunt his memories, echoing back at him whenever he so much as thinks about Taemin.

He never meant to reveal his feelings. Not right now, not when they still have an entire half of the country left to explore and Jongin still hasn’t planned how he'd act on his feelings.

He couldn’t help that the words slipped right out. Not with how much he’s been thinking about slotting their lips together. About how much he wants to dig bruises into Taemin’s hips but also to hold his hand and see the way his body trembles in laughter, the way his eyes curve in happiness.

It’s been three hours, four minutes, and twenty seconds since Jongin’s confession and they still haven’t spoken since.

The drive to Ulsan is a long one, filled with silent breaks at rest stops and a monotonous blur of green, green, and more green. The radio plays more country music, and Jongin wonders if perhaps he screwed up their friendship.

Night falls and the sky is speckled with stars when Jongin pulls into a nearby hostel.

“Break for the night?” he asks, hoping for some sort of response from his best friend. A response, _any_ response.

But all Taemin does is nod.

And then, silence.

 

 

 

It’s a habit. Sometimes, they crawl into each other’s beds.

More often than not, it’s Taemin climbing into his bed but Jongin has become so used to it that whenever he finds himself unable to sleep alone, he’d be the one seeking Taemin out. Jongin suspects Taemin is only there to steal his warmth and torture him with his cold toes but Jongin likes falling asleep to Taemin’s sleepy sighs and tangly limbs.

It feels natural. It’s warm, it’s comforting, and that night’s no different. Much to his surprise.

“I’m cold,” Taemin says as he peels open the covers to slide in. Jongin can hear the whine in his tone and it seems that whatever was keeping Taemin silent before has been resolved. Or at least shoved to a corner.

So Jongin pretends that nothing’s happened as well.

“Why do we bother getting two singles if you’re gonna climb in every night?” Jongin complains as Taemin’s cold toes invade his bed once again.

“So you’re saying you wanna cuddle up every night to save money?” Taemin teases, and proceeds to cling onto him. It makes his heart skip a beat.

“I didn’t say that,” Jongin says.

“You implied it.”

“Go away,” he says without heat, but doesn’t deny anything.

“You say that but you’re not letting go of me.”

“You’re the one clinging onto me with your octopus legs.”

“Lies and slander,” Taemin says and Jongin feels him grinning, but he still doesn’t budge.

“Stop leeching off my body warmth.”

Taemin snickers but he clings onto Jongin even tighter and nuzzles his head into Jongin’s sweatshirt like a brat. A brat he’s unfortunately in love with.

Normally, Jongin would wrap his arms around Taemin. He’d tell himself not to do something rash or stupid like confess his feelings or kiss the shit out of his best friend but as much as he likes to think of himself as the smarter one out of the two of them, he’d already thrown that thought out of the window that afternoon. Because he finally did it. He finally confessed. Yet, Taemin’s acting like the confession never happened. And Jongin hates that.

“You know that I just confessed to you just hours ago, right?” he murmurs amidst the silence, Taemin’s head still a steady weight on his chest. If they both stay quiet enough, he thinks he can hear the passing cars and the late night party-goers outside their hostel.

“I’m aware,” Taemin says.

“So you should know that what you’re doing right now isn’t good for my heart,” he says very honestly. And if Taemin is still uncertain about his feelings about him or is just keeping mum about not returning them for fear of hurting him, he’d prefer Taemin keep away than stay close.

But Taemin looks up at him and Jongin doesn’t quite know how to decipher his expression. Maybe he feels guilty or had even forgotten. Maybe he’ll mumble an apology and stumble back to his bed. But he does none of that, even after a minute or two has passed. Instead, he leans in and presses his lips against Jongin’s without a word.

And in that moment, Jongin thinks his heart just stopped.

 

 

 

It’s now a habit. Sometimes, they kiss. And Jongin is nothing but a weak boy in love.

From time to time, Jongin pinches himself just to check. _No_ , he’s still alive. _No_ , he’s still awake.

 

 

 

“Why do you love me?” Taemin asks again one day. They’re both in the underwater tunnel of an aquarium in Busan, a place they never got to visit because they both fell ill on their high school excursion day.

“I just do,” Jongin says again.

“That’s not an answer,” Taemin says, but not unkindly.

“It’s the only one I know.” And although it’s the truth, he doesn’t know why but Taemin looks a little sad and disappointed.

 

 

 

Jongin kisses Taemin and sometimes it tastes more bitter than it does sweet, more stolen than it does given. A large part of him thinks that Taemin only goes along with it to because they’ve been best friends for so long, they no longer know how to live without the other.

“I love you,” Jongin says again. In case Taemin forgot, in case he needs a reminder, and if Jongin initially thought that he wasn’t expecting a response from Taemin, he was clearly lying. Not when he now knows how Taemin tastes, how he sighs into their kisses and the desperate way he gets when Jongin kisses him a certain way.  To Jongin, any response is better than none, is better than having to live in this excruciating state of purgatory.

“You look like you’re gearing up for a rejection,” Taemin says softly.

“I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t.” Yet, they’re still holding hands in the quiet comfort of their car, the night sky overhead, and Taemin hasn’t let go just yet.

Taemin sighs.

“You’re stupid. I hate you,” Taemin says. “You keep saying you love me just because, but that’s not good enough for me.”

“Why not?”

“Just because.” And Jongin rolls his eyes.

“ _Now_ you know how annoying that response is?” Taemin says.

Jongin huffs. “What do you want to know?”

“Why do you love me?”

“Now look who’s the annoying one.” And Taemin responds by hitting him in the arm as Jongin yelps.

“Seriously, tell me,” Taemin says and for the first time, Jongin looks at Taemin and sees a seriousness Taemin only reserves for his greatest passions. It’s reminiscent of their time spent in the dance studio, Jongin’s eyes fixed on Taemin through the mirror as Taemin tries to shape each fleeting movement into perfection.

If Jongin’s hand is shaking, he doesn’t notice because all he feels is Taemin’s slight trembling hand in his and he lifts their entwined hands to press a gentle kiss to the back of Taemin’s hand.

“I love you because…” Jongin starts, and then sighs because it has always been easier to substitute his words with actions, to disguise his actions into something less than romantic. Kim Jongin has never had to bare his soul like this.

He pauses, and then licks his lips.

“I love you,” he says slowly, lowly, as if trying to find the right words. “Because I’m happiest when I’m with you. I love that you know more about me than I know about myself. I love that you know just when I need cheering up and exactly what to say to comfort me or get my mind off things, especially when I’m too lost in my own head.” He pauses to take a breath. “I love how hardworking you are, how passionate you get about the things you love and how selfless and caring you are to the people you love. I love your breathy laughter and your squinty eyes whenever you do laugh. I even love your stupid tiny hands, the way your mouth gathers in a pout whenever you talk. And I hate how I love you even when you’re being bratty or when you’re trying to be funny but you’re really not.”

He pauses again, but this time it’s more than just trying to breathe.

“Most of all, I don’t feel like I’m myself when you’re not around. I miss you when you’re away and my heart quickens whenever you’re close. So when I say that I love you, that I just do, it’s because I think I’ve always been in love with you.”

It feels like a rant and he’s feeling too worked up to even begin to feel embarrassed by it. He looks down, fiddles with the edge of his shirt, and doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. He could get out of the car, he could laugh it all away or find a way to make Taemin forget, but he does none of those things. Instead, he sits there and simply waits.

And counts the seconds within the palpable silence. One, two, three, four, fi—

“I love you, you idiot,” finally comes the response and Jongin thinks his heart’s just stopped. And he _yearns_. “I hate that you even doubted it in the first place.”

And this time, it’s Jongin who presses their lips together.

 

 

 

“Why do you love me?” Jongin deadpans as Taemin snorts. “What? Two can play that game.”

“Just because,” Taemin says, raising his eyebrows spitefully at Jongin and Jongin tries to hold in his laughter.

“Yes?” Taemin challenges again with a smug smile and Jongin wants to wipe it away. So he grabs Taemin’s head with both hands and kisses it away, licks into Taemin’s mouth and smiles at the way Taemin hums as he falls onto Jongin to straddles his lap.

“I love you, you idiot,” Jongin says.

“I love you,” Taemin says. “I’m in love with you.” He pauses to circle his arms around Jongin’s neck. “Because you make me whole. Because you make me a better person and you’re my better half. Because you’re the kindest, sweetest, and most infuriating person I know. Everything you do makes me fall deeper and the way you go from cute to hot is dizzying as hell.”

It’s been three months, twenty days, three hours, and the boy Jongin loves finally tells him why he loves him. There is silence on his end, only the quiet hum of the air-conditioner and the faint sound of laughter in the neighbouring room. He tightens his grip of Taemin’s hips and smiles up at his lover and best friend as if his heart isn’t full and isn’t about to burst out of his chest.

“That’s hardly a response,” Jongin says. “Not after my longass monologue.” And Taemin responds, by biting Jongin’s cheek  _hard_.

**Author's Note:**

> Please love me down ❤ and I can be found [here](http://charizon.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr!


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